Every Night A One Night Stand
The more I fill my vagina with random dicks, the emptier I feel my soul becomes. This cycle keeps on repeating itself throughout my life.
Even though you can say I am a natural player that gets a lot of satisfaction out of having sex with new people – the need to increase my number of partners competes strongly with my need to be loved.
Like my animal instincts stemming from my high libido, levels of testosterone and very open mind against my wish to just be loved, desired for more than one night – maybe that roots in the fear that everything is ephemeral.
And as I am observing this pattern of my life I can tell you it takes only about 5 (up to 15) one night stands until the wish to be loved becomes so strong that I turn into this soft feminine very loving and caring creature that randomly picks someone available and uses them for a short and intense romance until I get bored, break their hearts and the cycle begins anew. It starts all over again with exciting days and nights of Tinder dates, partying and one night stands until my soul cries out for help again.
It is quite a tragic situation I am finding myself in, as I don’t know how to combine these two strong desires or urges. Especially as they appear after each, in fact as a result of the other. The long term effect is some kind of instability as people in my life, emotions and experiences constantly change. I don’t necessarily judge this to be a good or bad thing. It just is. For now.
I keep playing Lily Allen’s song in my head “when she was 22 her future looked bright, but she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night. All she wants is a boyfriend – she gets one night stands – and so on…” wondering whether we’re just a generation with too many options and no need to commit.
Marriage has less value, women are not dependent on men anymore and almost globally it’s the best time to be a woman than it has ever been in history. We make our own money so why tether yourself to one man for financial support or physical protection.
The need to be loved is strong, it would be just wonderful to know someone will always be there – but let’s be honest. This thought is an illusion and we who are awakened all know it. Nothing stays with us forever, everything and everyone can be gone in a second.
What we have until we die, is ourselves so it does make sense to get as much love out of this relationship as possible. Focus on our career which can be very satisfying and fulfilling. Receiving love by giving love, to whomever we meet. It’s not quite the same but it does the job for now.
Until, and yes I do have that dream, my dream man/woman comes along…
The one that I can have this super evolved polyamorous relationship with… Doing acid together, having orgies, buying a house in the English countryside, painting, singing, yoga and fucking for-happily-ever after.
This article is to be continued….