I could not give you a definite answer as to where my unusually strong interest in pedophilia stems from. This interest goes beyond the usual collecting and analyzing data and interpreting my personal experiences. I have actual empathy for pedophiles and while I know we should have empathy for all living beings, I tend to find myself struggling to feel as strongly for the figuratively molested child itself.
I am trying to understand why I am putting myself on the side of the abuser rather than the abused. Generally, my mission is to help society understand, that most of us have perverted thoughts and tendencies. And the most dangerous part of those tendencies is ignorant, closed-minded handling of such, including judgment and demonization. But there might be other reasons, why I have been focusing on this one specific form of paraphilia in the last years, one that – if the person fully gave in to their desires, would sexually abuse the most vulnerable in our society.
I suppose I either can’t relate to having been abused as a child but I do understand the urge and desires of pedophiles because they somehow match or resemble my own. I, for example, was in love with a 6-year old boy when I was 14, play-raped my neighbor when I was about 11. Became a dominatrix later in life and thoroughly enjoy having control and power over others. That’s why I became a teacher, why I started Roxysdream. The difference between my fantasies as a child and teenager and my need to be the alpha now is that my intentions have changed. As I have matured so have my intentions. I’ve become a maternal and caring woman that studied and internalized ancient philosophies like yoga and Buddhism that are based on love, empathy, and karma, became good themselves.
At the same time, I do have this rather special trait – or maybe a gift that is linked to my own sexual preferences. I understand any sexual orientation or paraphilia to a degree that I start to feel those specific sexual desires within my own mind and body. The more I think about the “abnormal” (even though we should probably debate about what the hell is normal or not) object of desire, the more it starts to turn me on. Maybe I have a paraphilia. I get aroused by people with sexual desires that are somewhat deviant. Meaning deviating from what we call the norm.
Maybe, and now please don’t judge me, I don’t think highly of children because I simply don’t have my own (yet) and any child that is not under my care I find pretty annoying most times. I don’t know how it feels to love a child. I just don’t. When we are emotionally connected to a topic it is hard for us to stay logical and reasonable. When we love someone or something, that we are also responsible for, we don’t care a great deal about logic. We love. We fight. We kill. So I’m probably not going to appeal to many parents on this matter.
I also haven’t spoken to enough adults that have been abused themselves when they were young. I believe it’s difficult for them to really grasp and put in words what was going on in their psyche when they were molested, simply because their brains weren’t developed enough for self-reflection. Maybe I’d have more empathy, maybe I’d be less on the predators and more on the victim’s side but that simply isn’t the case. And to be honest, I’d still address the problem with the same rationality.
And when I say, that I am on the “pedophile’s side”, I mean, that I want to make you understand what pedophiles are going through and what they are feeling and also what and who they actually are. It is important for us, to not judge but understand others. It is important to build better relationships, to create more harmony on this planet but also to find a way to support pedophiles in such a way, that fewer children will be harmed. Remember, I told you my intentions have turned good while growing up – don’t doubt me.
Another theory is that I actually have been molested myself, suppressed it very well, and empathize with the abuser to protect myself from the actual trauma slipping into my conscious state of mind. It’s a common form of PTSD after all.
Now while potentially something actually did happen in my childhood (I have had unexplainable dreams about my father’s neighbor’s house and I had extreme angst of men during my childhood and early teenage years) I know that I have been abused and raped later in life. But my newly formed fear and anger towards men slowly turned into understanding and forgiveness over the years. If I’m not angry with, but love whoever hurt me, I will obviously feel a lot better about what happened. I did that with every person that has somehow hurt me. My father who abandoned and disowned me, for example. It was my mother on the other hand, who taught me about forgiveness. A lesson that she had to learn after her mother had passed away. I want to avoid carrying anger, hate, and fear in my heart. At any cost. It is the yogic way, my mum’s way, Jesus’ way (who I believe was a yogi) and probably a self-protecting mechanism of the psyche, too.
(By the way, for anyone that doesn’t realize that Jesus was a love and peace-preaching hippie that traveled to India and studied Buddhas and Yogic teachings to then mix that with a healthy amount of wine, mushrooms, and prostitutes – you’re delusional. Evil bastards, who used his popularity and wisdom to create fear- and shame-induced propaganda to control the increasing population. But ignorant people are so easily manipulated by psychopaths, as we know…)
It might even be much deeper rooted than all of the above. In an ayahuasca trip, I was able to go back to my ancestors’ lives and saw how my great-grandmother who raised my dad was gang-raped. She carried a big scar above her right eye from this incident. I felt how my mother had an aversion towards men, too. Mainly because of her struggles of proving herself, her strength, and her capabilities in a patriarchal and chauvinistic society. All this trauma from the women that created me was passed onto me and I have found a way to end the cycle of fear and hatred towards men. Even towards abusers. By turning those emotions into empathy.
Or – last but not least, I could’ve been a pedophile in my past life. Who knows!
But I do know, that I’m frankly logical and open-minded about another taboo topic as I am with so many others. The truth probably lies somewhere in-between all of those ideas.
My interest in the topic did not arise by accident. When I was 19 and studying in East Germany, I shared a flat with 6 guys, one of whom was a 41-year-old Dentistry student. He sat me down one morning (I just came back from partying, slightly off my face) at our kitchen table to tell me this:
“Rosalin! I will tell you something, that I think you should know. And you might not like it, but most men are pedophiles. And if they’re not pedophiles, they’re certainly hebephiles. We like young girls that have just started puberty. I’m one of those men myself and I know with certainty that I’m not alone but no one dares to talk about it.”
I asked him, what it was about these teenage girls that attracted him to them. And he answered passionately that it was their innocence, their cuteness and the fact that they’re just about the explore the world of sex. “They are like little flowers just about blossom. Untouched. Pure.”
At that moment I remembered having fancied a 6-year-old boy when doing an internship in a Kindergarten. I was 14 at that time. Back then, I was certainly not one of those girls he could’ve talked about. I didn’t have my period yet, was still flat-chested, and yet – had these strong sexual fantasies and desires. I’d masturbated for 11 years by then, thinking about all sorts of things. People of all ages, teachers, children, animals. I tried to play-rape my neighbor who was highly uncomfortable with what I did there. (Interestingly enough, while she came out as a lesbian in her later years, my lust for her and some of my other girlfriends quickly turned into strong love and appreciation of penises – if not obsession).
But me being in love and lust with this 6-year-old boy and fantasizing about him while masturbating, scared me a little, I must admit. I wondered if something was wrong with me. Whether I was a pervert, hyper-sexual. At the same time, I thought about ways to be close to him. I would have never actually tried anything, yet the urge controlled my thoughts to an uncomfortable level. Back then I also masturbated several times a day, it was like an addiction.
Remembering these early, pretty paedophilic urges, I couldn’t judge what that man just told me. Or him.
I just swallowed it, took a deep breath, and continued with my day. And with my life. But – having those words somewhere in the back of my head. His facial expression of when he said the words “little flower just about to blossom” will stay with me until the dreadful day of my death.
Throughout the years I learned to talk rather openly and honestly about sex. Having had a high sex drive and often pursuing sex as many men do, I gained my male friends’ trust when talking about all matters sex. And sometimes I would sneak the topic of pedophilia into our conversations and be bombarded with an honesty that most women won’t ever experience. If you tell a man that you know about and understand his urges – however taboo they might be – the man will open up. He will tell you about those desires that are controlling his thoughts, maybe daily and that society demonizes to a degree that he will never, ever dare to admit them. But most of my female readers will probably never hear these things.
It was exactly this case with the pedophile that I met and fell in love with in May 2019. I had just turned 30 and for a couple of months I felt like I really needed to find “someone”. Fast – because time was ticking. At the same time, I had just started escorting which felt empowering at the beginning. Maybe I had to tell myself that it was empowering to avoid feeling what was actually going on in my vulnerable little soul. And while I thought, I needed to find a husband, and while I was escorting I was gradually on my way to becoming addicted to the darkest of all drugs – cocaine. You must imagine – that rational, dominant, dark-humored woman that I am – combined with self-destructive sexual habits and a drug that completely stops you from having any empathy and that makes you believe you are the king of the world. Yeah…
In other words – I had become the devil himself when I went on a Hinge date at the Curtain in London and found out after only a few minutes that this handsome, tall, blond, blue-eyed man with wide shoulders and the prettiest face was a pedophile.
I was intrigued. I told you, I am attracted to men with sexually abnormal desires. So that’s where it went downhill. I wanted to know everything that was going on in his head. I wanted him to be my case study. And while he did become my case study, he slowly pulled me into the darkness of his deviant paedophilic world. And without understanding what was happening, I started justifying pedophilia. I started thinking of ways for him to fulfill his desire. I found out that the age of consent in Japan is 13. Yes, I did that!
While my mind went darker and darker, my emotional state started breaking apart. The conversations he made me have with him were starting to feel wrong. The sex we had was nothing I myself desired but actually traumatized me. He would tell me things like “I want to cum inside of you so we can make a little, baby girl so we can both do naughty things to her.” He pretended my dog Minnie was our daughter when she was watching us have sex. He would then let her lick his penis (that’s Minnie’s kink, don’t judge her) and look with a kind of joy and satisfaction at my dog that I haven’t seen before.
I soon realized that his specific fetish was seducing his own daughter. Teaching her about her own pleasure, playing with her genitals, and of course, introducing her into the world of sex. I also realized that exactly that would happen to my daughter if he got me pregnant. And yet – I still wasn’t able to ‘wake up’ and run as fast as possible. I was somehow mesmerized or perhaps manipulated. Psychopaths will do that to you. Narcissists, too. They have the power of controlling others. Women, normal and healthy-minded, have murdered and raped children for their psychopathic, paedophilic husbands. People have mass-murdered others because one psychopath made them believe its the right thing to do. Do you understand the power psychopaths have? And anyone can fall victim to their deviant desires.
The pedophile ended whatever it was I had with him after I asked him to see a therapist. I told him, that if he wanted a real relationship (which obviously he didn’t) he needed to ‘do something’ about his desires. He didn’t like that. He said nothing would help him and then justified the phenomena of pedophilia a little more. How common it was, it basically wasn’t him who needed to change but the world’s handling of it. He advocated for normalizing and decriminalizing pedophilia.
It took me around 5 months after I had stopped doing cocaine (which happened 5 months after this relationship had ended) to realize what had happened to me. I started analyzing myself and investigating why I was in that self-destructive cycle. But I also started analyzing the world. He has – after all – made me understand pedophiles so much more. We would lie in bed diving deep into his mind and his desires and because I didn’t have this blockage or feeling of “this is wrong, don’t go there!” – I went with him all the way to the dark bottom of his deviant mind! He made me understand him and his urge. And I also later understood, why women help their paedophilic partners fulfill their desires. In my head, a fucking shit show began because I suddenly saw through the eyes of a pedophile, and that’s something I can’t reverse. I hope you’re ready for what I will tell you now, as you too won’t be able to delete this knowledge.
It was last summer in New York, just after I stopped speaking to him when I was invited to a Shabat dinner. The group I found myself among were friends of a good friend I had met in Thailand a few years back. The evening was filled with love with amazing, creative, successful Jews that included me in their ritual and their group in the most open and caring way. They were all in their 30’s, maybe early 40’s. After our stomachs were filled and our souls satisfied, we sat on the host’s big terrace smoking a joint. That’s when his little daughter ran outside, naked. I just sat there observing what was about to happen.
I sat on the sofa with another guy next to me, across the sofa was one woman and two more men. The host and father stood a little further away. The girl wanted to stay awake, he wanted her to get ready for bed and to convince him she changed her voice, her movements, her whole being and became that little “Ohh daddy, daddy, please!” seductress. Daddy did not stand a chance. He gave in, he didn’t even try to argue. He became so soft. Interesting how early girls learn to play with this type of power. I watched it with a feeling of shame and guilt… if only she knew the danger of her being this small and having a vagina. But girls don’t know what I know.
That was the first dynamic I quietly analyzed in my head. The relationship of a father to his manipulating little daughter. But she then went on to climb and play on the sofa opposite me. She hugged and kissed the woman, who didn’t change her behavior and acted completely normal as she would have with any human being. When she came closer to the guys sitting next to the woman I saw something strange. They froze. They tried to look away and it was so obvious how uncomfortable they felt with that naked girl doing some acrobatic girly things physically so close to them. And I thought to myself, “Why?” Why are some men attracted to that? And I observed, intensely.
And then… I saw it. I was able to look at her through the eyes of the pedophile I had just met and who had shared his most intimate and personal thoughts and feelings so accurately and detailed.
Isn’t she just so cute and pretty with her soft skin, her big eyes, and soft voice? Her body is so small and untouched, what an excitement would it be to be the first man to touch it. And her vagina. So small. She wouldn’t know what the hell was going on if an experienced and dominant man would give her those feelings of pleasure. She would be in the highest form of pure submission. Would her mind ask if what’s happening is right or wrong? Or would she just give in, because as a child she trusts adults? A child is dependent and reliant on adults. You would destroy her a little bit, but isn’t that aspect of destruction innate in all consensual sex? Isn’t that what initiates penetration? Isn’t penetration exactly that? Your cock, however small or big would look massive next to that tiny body and you would feel so powerful. And you would be so gentle and careful because your intention, you tell yourself, is to make her feel good. You don’t want to break her trust. And she would probably love you even more after that. Be even more dependent.
I saw it and my eyes teared up because I saw something, a truth, I didn’t want to see. But it was too late….. If what I have just told you makes you feel anger, maybe even disgust it is because you haven’t felt and understood it. If you truly understood, your reaction would be a positive one of enlightenment that may be combined with a little sadness because you realized the inevitable dilemma of this situation and the world.
Two main thoughts stuck with me from this moment onwards. One positive and one negative.
The negative is more of a question. The question, why human beings are being created that have those destructive tendencies. It doesn’t make sense for a species to create individuals (on such a big scale) that will only get sexual satisfaction at the cost of destroying their own offspring on a physical, mental and emotional level. You want, no you need to fuck the most innocent and vulnerable. Fuck them and by that fuck them up for life. Doesn’t make any sense, does it? Doesn’t seem very intelligent of evolution, does it?
But exactly that leads to my second thought – the positive one, which is not a question but rather a feeling. And it’s that of empathy. To keep it blunt: It must be pretty fucking shit to realize one day, that you’re attracted to children. Must be horrific. You notice your urge, you know society looks down on your desire. Most people would probably want you dead. And yet, there is nothing you can do to get that urge out of you. It controls your very life, every moment of every day. You want to do something to someone that would destroy them. You know you should never act upon your urges. Just watching child porn could give you a life-long prison sentence. Telling anyone about your urges could mean social sentences of disrespect and hate towards you for the rest of your life. And you didn’t choose to be a pedophile, did you? You were born with it. You were born, cursed. Just like you were born cursed if you happened to be gay or a promiscuous woman entering this neo-puristic world of shame and guilt before 1950.
Now we can blame those pedophiles that eventually act upon their urges as opposed to those that manage to control them. But I stopped judging men for their sometimes seemingly uncontrollable sexual urges. It takes a lot of learning and mental control to overcome them. Often, those acting out are not just pedophiles but also psychopaths, so lack empathy for the children. Often, those acting out are actually not even pedophiles per se but have been abused or molested themselves and then act in a bullied-bully kind of way. And sometimes, those acting out are not even attracted to children at all but don’t have the chance to sleep with women their age. Just as most boys or men that have sex with animals (farm animals or goats or dogs) are not actual zoophiles but don’t have the option of sleeping with human beings. Or many men in certain sexually oppressed countries are not gay, just because they have sex with men.
Pedophilia is not black and white. No, it comes in many shades of love and lust, of fantasies and reality, of intensity ranking from having one thought towards one person all your life to an obsession with a specific age or specific features that are typical for a certain age group.
Some people might be attracted to children and adults equally. Some people can be attracted to people of all ages and genders, maybe even objects. Some people are attracted to prepubescent children, others to teens, again others to young adults. Some people are attracted to people of the same sex, others to the opposite sex. Some people are attracted to their siblings. But there is one important factor in all those tendencies – the probability that you were born with your sexual orientation is pretty high, as of the latest research. And if not, if it was a moment in your childhood or upbringing – it still isn’t your fault.
I’m not going to bore or bombard you with numbers and facts, trying to prove to you how many men have paedophilic or hebephilic tendencies. You can read them up yourself. You can think about why ‘teen’ is the most searched term on porn sites. You can try and understand why child marriage was perfectly normal in any country on this planet just 300 years ago and still is happening today in many countries. It’s still happening around us, just hidden without you knowing. I don’t need to convince you of the obvious – what I want you to do is address the topic with logic and understanding. Stop judging someone for a mental state of mind they were born with and by that causing them, to never speak out and never seek help.
It actually never helps to resolve a problem while being emotional, especially if those emotions are those of anger, hatred, and fear. Staying calm and rational will make you understand, that with empathy, we will be able to not only help pedophiles learn to deal with their desires and live a better life but that will eventually also lower the numbers of children being molested and raped because men didn’t know or haven’t learned to handle their problematic urges. I think I have a little bit of an idea of how often men think about sex. This force is so strong, sometimes uncontrollable. Whether you are attracted to people your age, younger or older – the urge is still the same. But we do also know, that we want something more if we can’t have it. We go insane when our sexual needs stay unsatisfied. Maybe we act out, without thinking about the consequences because in that state of “needing to fuck” there is no logical reasoning anymore. We have all been there… cheating on those that we love and don’t want to lose for a moment of excitement, telling a one-night-stand to cum inside even though we don’t want a child, sticking your penis into holes that aren’t a vagina, masturbating while we are in school, sex with married men, sex with your best friend’s girlfriend…. We do things that we know we shouldn’t do but the urge has taken over. The mind does not stand a chance. How lucky are we though, if the object of our desires is not children…