The real starting point for me to love myself was in Morocco in 2015 after an ayahuasca ceremony, which made me realise that I had never fully accepted the fact that I was a woman. My emancipated mum tried to tell me that I don’t need a man and can do anything myself.
My dad taught me that I had to be strong, physically and mentally – that was the most important thing in life. And with this in mind, I’ve always compared myself to men and had to realise that they are physically stronger and emotionally more stable (well at least generally speaking) than I am, which could be interpreted as mentally stronger as well. After a lifetime of harassment and having to deal with the trauma of a rape incident in Thailand a few years back, I felt vulnerable and weak, just by being a woman.
This was also when, for the first time in my life, I made the conscious decision to look in the mirror without criticising myself. I decided to not see my blemishes, scars and wrinkles but instead the beauty that others always complimented me on. I looked and asked myself what all these people see if they don’t look at pimples to squeeze and a hairline to plug.
I started seeing a glimmer in my eyes, a warmth, a depth that tells stories of pain and of love. I finally saw my real, internal beauty. And I started smiling. For the first time I smiled at myself and knew what people meant when they said I had a beautiful smile – it wasn’t just my actual face that was beautiful, it was the energy I gave, the love that shone through my eyes and mouth when I smiled. A smile that radiated love onto the person who received it. That beautiful, warm woman in the mirror was me. I received my own love, a love that from that moment on, would be cultivated through many mirror love sessions.
I started physically loving myself by accepting and loving my body. I stopped looking at its flaws but started appreciating it and I found ways to touch it in a loving and kind way. I rubbed my body in coconut oil like I was giving a tender massage to a loved one. I caressed my body with consciousness and care when I took a shower. In fact, every time I touched myself I did it with love and to receive that love, of which I have so much to give.
From self love I started cultivating self-lust and started looking at myself the way men would see me. I started touching myself, turning myself on. I got a vibrator for the first time and started playing with it, started having sex with myself not just masturbating for the quick fix. This was not only as a result of the self-loving process that had just started but also because resources were pretty limited in Morocco if you know what I mean. Unfortunately I was too sexually empowered and intelligent to be attracted to the Moroccan and traditional Muslim men I encountered. I tried – don’t get me wrong, of course I tried but I chose the vibrator instead.
However, it is thanks to Morocco that my journey of self love and lust finally began and I started walking around with confidence. I started spreading these sexual energies because I truly felt sexual attraction towards myself. I started taking care of my vagina, lasered her so she would always be smooth, rubbed coconut oil on her daily and a few weeks ago I bought myself (and my mum) a rose quartz yoni egg to play around with sitting in my pussy. (I bought my mum one for easter because I thought it was funny and because I asked her to get me one for Christmas and she ended up buying me these weights for incontinent women). It led to me buying myself beautiful, sexy clothes because this new mindset made me find different ways of expressing my feminine sexuality. It also led to the idea to learn striptease and burlesque because I want to direct this self lust into something creative and learn the game of seduction and use my body in sexual ways while not having sex.
Self love and lust do in fact have a lot to do with acceptance but a lot more with taking care of oneself. Taking care of your body and doing whatever is necessary for yourself to feel sexy and beautiful and healthy as well. This is empowerment. This will make you feel powerful.
So if you want to have a different body shape instead of just accepting one that doesn’t feel true for you, go exercise and eat healthy. If you want a really nice ass, go do a lot of squats and after a year or two you will walk around like bitch on heat, wiggling and shaking dat booty like there’s no tomorrow!
Sometimes it’s good to go out of the house without make up and in your shittiest jumper and pants but with an attitude of “Yeah motherfuckers that’s right, that’s me and fuck ya´ll if you don’t like it” but other times, when we feel low – we need to pamper ourselves. Especially when for some reason we don’t feel sexy and powerful. In that case, you take a long hot bath, rub yourself in coconut oil while you give yourself a nice massage, then make your hair look amazing, put on some make up and go out with an attitude of “Yeah motherfuckers, that’s right – I’m a fucking sexy ass bitch” and you give every one that crosses your path that cheeky look of -we could fuck, but it’s up to me.
